The upside down smile

I am not afraid of the dark: it is where I live.

I was born with a chip on my shoulder. I was so wound up as a kid that my grandfather once quipped that I could start a fight in a room by myself. The authority figures (parents, teachers, etc) would frown upon me for being difficult, for not sitting still or behaving, for not being a "good boy." This was up until the age of 6, when I learned I could not beat them, so I might as well join them. I am a touchy, sensitive person, so I internalized the authority figure and became my own policeman, locking up the part of me I do not like in a cage. I threw away that key long ago, and am still imprisoned by my internal judge, jury, and executioner. I suppose I am not unique in this regard, but I'm the only me I know.

A life of self punishment has taken its toll, and I am sometimes bent and stooped by the pain I put myself through. The chip on my shoulder has become a boulder that squashes my soul. I sink into the pit of myself and cannot see the light. I think dark thoughts and obsess over the shameful past and fearful future. I recall the cocky kids and moralizing adults that made my childhood a living hell at times. I took their shit and made it my own. What else could I do? I was taught to turn the other cheek, to not say anything at all unless I said something nice, to be a doormat, a sheep, a nice guy who finishes last. I learned the wrong lessons in life and am still failing the test. These are my bad days.

But I have good days, too. The darkness can be overwhelming, but there are good things that save the day: good books or movies that make me forget myself, good exercise that helps me to build up myself, good friends and family that make me value myself, and my girlfriend Joy who helps me to love myself, who has taught me what love is. These are the lights in my darkness, the graces that save me, the only evidence that there is a God who gives a shit. They save me from myself and free me from my prison, if only for a little while. But that is enough.

Life can be a bitter pill to swallow, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It is often this way because I have both chosen and been born to a diet of darkness. Yet I am sustained by the good things and people that make my life worth living. The sun shines through the stormy clouds because of these lights in my life. I owe them everything.

Life is too short to languish in prison. May I be set free by all that I love. May I walk in the fresh air of freedom and feel the warm sun on my face. May I set aside the darkness and live in the light of love.

I love you, Joy. Forever.