Bow to the King

Growing up a red-white-and-blue blooded American, I have always found the notion of kings and queens to be absurd, an antiquated notion that calls to mind an elitist caste system built upon the broken backs of the masses who lived in quiet desperation.

But last night I learned I was wrong. Cleveland, Ohio indeed has a king, and his name is LeBron James.

In my 25 years of suffering through hard-luck Cleveland sports, I have never seen a superstar the likes of him playing for us...usually they play against us, and beat us black and blue. Names like Jordan and Elway come to mind, names that make me cringe. Now, however, we finally have our Jordan, our Magic, our King.

Last night, he pulled off the greatest play I have ever seen: a falling away 23 foot 3-pointer that swished as time expired, saving Cleveland's season in dramatic fashion. It is as if the demons of Jordan's infamous shot have been exorcised 20 years later. I could hardly believe my eyes. This usually happens to us, not for us. Like most of Cleveland, I was ready to write off our chances, watching as my beloved team was finding creative ways to fall short. But LBJ changed that in a heartbeat, in a swish. The arena of battle erupted, and the town did with it.

Hometown heroes are rare these days, and Clevelanders are lucky to have theirs. It is like a medieval town getting behind its champion knight, fighting for the honor of that town. Except James is not just a knight, but a king, and he has brought much honor to our city. He is a champion whom you know will not let you lose, who will save the day in spectacular fashion. It may be just a game, but sometimes it sure feels like life.

Today, Cleveland rejoiced in the greatness of its King. May his reign be long and bring the city further glory.

The upside down smile

I am not afraid of the dark: it is where I live.

I was born with a chip on my shoulder. I was so wound up as a kid that my grandfather once quipped that I could start a fight in a room by myself. The authority figures (parents, teachers, etc) would frown upon me for being difficult, for not sitting still or behaving, for not being a "good boy." This was up until the age of 6, when I learned I could not beat them, so I might as well join them. I am a touchy, sensitive person, so I internalized the authority figure and became my own policeman, locking up the part of me I do not like in a cage. I threw away that key long ago, and am still imprisoned by my internal judge, jury, and executioner. I suppose I am not unique in this regard, but I'm the only me I know.

A life of self punishment has taken its toll, and I am sometimes bent and stooped by the pain I put myself through. The chip on my shoulder has become a boulder that squashes my soul. I sink into the pit of myself and cannot see the light. I think dark thoughts and obsess over the shameful past and fearful future. I recall the cocky kids and moralizing adults that made my childhood a living hell at times. I took their shit and made it my own. What else could I do? I was taught to turn the other cheek, to not say anything at all unless I said something nice, to be a doormat, a sheep, a nice guy who finishes last. I learned the wrong lessons in life and am still failing the test. These are my bad days.

But I have good days, too. The darkness can be overwhelming, but there are good things that save the day: good books or movies that make me forget myself, good exercise that helps me to build up myself, good friends and family that make me value myself, and my girlfriend Joy who helps me to love myself, who has taught me what love is. These are the lights in my darkness, the graces that save me, the only evidence that there is a God who gives a shit. They save me from myself and free me from my prison, if only for a little while. But that is enough.

Life can be a bitter pill to swallow, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. It is often this way because I have both chosen and been born to a diet of darkness. Yet I am sustained by the good things and people that make my life worth living. The sun shines through the stormy clouds because of these lights in my life. I owe them everything.

Life is too short to languish in prison. May I be set free by all that I love. May I walk in the fresh air of freedom and feel the warm sun on my face. May I set aside the darkness and live in the light of love.

I love you, Joy. Forever.