A Dose of Hummer-ility

Greetings, nonexistent readers. It has been awhile since the Eagle has landed long enough to write, so here is a fresh new bit of baloney for you:

Confession: I have a vehement disgust for Hummers.

For those who have had the good fortune never to encounter one, a Hummer is a gargantuan, gaudy automobile that makes the SUV look like a mini-Cooper. These wretched, cursed contraptions originated as military vehicles, but now drivers are forced to confront them in parking lots - where they take up 2 spaces - on streets - where they take up two lanes - and at the gas pump - where they guzzle about 100 gallons of gasoline.

So, you ask, why do I hate the Hummer? Well, even if you didn't ask, I'll answer: they stand out as the most nauseating examples of American excess on the market. We are in an energy crisis, yet pompous fools are willing to drive these mini-tanks all over the planet at 10 miles to the gallon. We are plagued by crowded city streets and parking lots, yet these damn machines take up half a city block. Sure, they're great if you are a soldier speeding through the battlefield, but if you're a 90-lb soccer mom driving to the mall, they are perversely unnecessary.

In a nutshell, the Hummer is a mountain of metal that serves, like so many material possessions, to fatten the ego of the owner. They scream "Look at me, I am a big car, and my driver is a big person, very important and special, I might add. You better respect us." Every time I see one, however, I have to hold back bile and boogers, which I am tempted to flick across its luxuriant 20 yard-wide windshield.

This is where I stand - yet I must relate a recent incident that nearly humbled me off my soapbox. I walked by one parked city lot, loudly commenting to a friend that someone should produce bumper stickers saying "There's nothing dumber than a Hummer." Upon saying this, I promptly hear a voice saying "actually, I think I'm pretty intelligent." D'oh! Apparently, I was blah-blah-blahing about the Hummer within earshot of the owner. Serves me right. So, feeling like the asshole I was, I looked around for a hole in which to crawl. Finding none, I apologized, sheepishly claiming that I merely despised the car. Then I quickly walked away before he could whip out a semiautomatic and tell me what he really thought about my worldviews.

Thus did I receive a healthy dose of humble pie. That does not change my opinion about Hummers, mind you - I will be a HummerHater until the day I die or they mercifully go out of style. The real lesson is that I need to be more courteous and respectful about where and how I air my opinions, however correct I may be!

Therefore, I will humbly submit these diatribes to cyberspace, and keep my mouth shut.