I have to blow off some steam, b/c I'm going to hell and I'm mad as hell.
Right now we're in the middle of Lent, a good time for good Catholics who like to flagellate themselves and others with the unremitting whips of guilt and unworthiness. It is a time when you're supposed to give things up, put on sackcloth, and confess your sins. All of this, of course, will save your soul. It's like magic - follow the recipe and you'll go to heaven.
Lately, however, this recipe has come to taste like a healthy heap of horseshit, and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I want to wake up from my churchy childhood, a nightmare of self-hatred, guilt, and letter-of-the law living that has sucked my life of real life. If you're good you go to heaven and if you're bad you go to hell is the mantra that has kept me from really being myself, being alive, and being happy. 12 years of Catholic school taught me how to be a good boy, not a real man; to do what they want not what I want; to obey rather than to dream.
I've known hell my whole life because of people trying to get me to heaven, and I'm done with all that bullshit.
So don't tell me about heaven and hell: you don't know a damn thing about it. Don't tell me about Jesus: you don't know a damn thing about him. Don't tell me about how to live, because you don't know a damn bit more about it than I. I don't care who you think you are: keep your afterlife, your Jesus, and your judgments to yourself - I'm sick to death of hearing about it, I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore.
There, now that felt good!
Am I going to hell for writing this? Of course, because just about anything gets you there these days. So why bother worrying about it? Hell, I might as well enjoy the ride downhill. It sure beats the upward climb.
ps. I think Mick Jagger put it best: "You'll never make a saint of me!" Check out the song at http://tinyurl.com/6bq9ut.
Spiritual Exercise for the Week. . .
7 years ago
2 comments:
it's good to know I'm not the only one to feel that way. I wish people understood that just because we don't believe the exact way they would like us to, that doesn't mean we are bad people. And personally I think hell was created to make Catholics more scared. There are many religions who have no concept of hell or anything like it.
This is so perplexing to me. While I can sympathize, I can't say that I can truly relate. While growing up Missouri Synod Lutheran was certainly dry and uninspiring, there weren't any lasting effects. More of a mayonaise-based religious community.
Having been a tree-hugging pagan for so many years, I forget how strongly the ties of organized faith can bind. I reach out and touch God on my Land, but no one tells me exactly how this should be accomplished, or seeks to dampen my joy.
Shouldn't the focus be on jubilation; the stomping of feet and the clapping of hands? For an interesting perspective, take at read on this very topic at:
http://catholicexchange.com/2008/07/22/113245/
Boy, this issue seems to resonate with so many individuals that I know. From my friend Ray's hatred of Catholicism due to his bad experiences with Priests, to my wife Kristanne's troubled past with a sanctimonious former mother-in-law, all seem to have tumultuous relationships with organized religion, and the Catholic faith in particular.
And, of course, you...who seem to be pinioned to the wall between uplifting faith and burdensome duty.
I wish that I could understand this better. It seems so odd to me that a faith devoted to love and charity, can become so bogged down in minutiae.
I am sorry that this troubles you so...
Kirk
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