What Jesus would do

I am endlessly amused by the good pious folk out there who want to tell me all about heaven, hell, and Jesus. Apparently, hell is a big barbecue at which our damned souls are the main course. Better yet, heaven is an eternity of choir practice and church service....yeah, my idea of paradise. And, to top it all off, Jesus will be there to separate the sheep from the goats...what he'll do with the humans, I have no idea. It sounds like he's only interested in domesticated species.

It tickles me to think that these people believe they have a damn clue what they're talking about. Never mind that the Bible says "eye has not seen, ear has not heard" what God has in store for us. Don't tell them that. They simply can't fill their collection baskets or collect their tithes if they don't give us a good scare and send us packing on a guilt trip.

Well, to hell with them, my guess is as good as theirs. So, in response to the bumper-sticker question "What would Jesus do?" I have ventured a top 10 list of guesses:

1. He would fall asleep during Billy Graham's sermon.
2. He would climb to the top of a mountain, shout "I hate you!" to all the people below, and then laugh hysterically.
3. He would walk across the ocean, find his way to the Vatican, and tell the Pope to stop leaving annoying messages on his voicemail.
4. He would appear down in Crawford, Texas, find our esteemed ex-pres, and smack him silly with a good, thick Bible.
5. He would go to Krispy Kreme and perform a multiplication of the donuts.
6. He would tell the crowds "This is my body.....now check out these guns!" before proceeding to flex his biceps and pecs.
7. He would drive on the wrong side of the road and smite anyone who honked at him.
8. He would change bottled water into wine, making it actually worth the price we pay for that crap.
9. He would finally get what he always wanted: the lead role in Jesus Christ Superstar.
10. He would rise into heaven upon the wings of angels...but not before flipping us all the bird.

Now this is a God I can get behind!