Tainted and Sainted Athletes

Well, well, well, so everyone's good buddy Barry Bonds finally got his home run record. Rah, rah, rah. Much ink has been spilled about the questionable qualities of this record and this athlete, so why spill more? Because it's fun, because Bonds is an arrogant, selfish, steroid-using sack of surliness, and because, frankly, the majority of professional athletes are just as bad as he is.

How often have we heard about pro athletes breaking the law, complaining about contracts, or taking their good fortune for granted? If I hear one more sports stud carp about how he needs an extra few million dollars per year because he "needs to do what's best for [his] family," I will boycott every professional sport and stick to C-Span.

Of course, I am lying - I am a sycophantic slave to professional sports, and have been since I could throw a baseball, shoot a basketball, or tackle another human being. Sports are just so much fun to play and watch, and nothing beats watching the best playing their best. Therefore I, and millions of other dupes, will keep supporting these megomaniacal spoilsports as long as they do not spoil their sports completely.

Yet they are getting close to doing this. Who can believe in baseball when a hallowed record has been stolen by a guy more fuel-injected than a NASCAR racecar? Who can count on football when hordes of players waste entire minicamps holding out for more money, only to swiftly become injured or exposed as overrated? And who can care for basketball with pointshaving refs and selfish superstars?

Unfortunately, I and many others still can. Although these pathologically pompous pros leave a bad taste in my mouth, they are still fun to watch, and I am a shallow, diversion-craving hypocrite who will keep on watching - with my ears and nose plugged from the sound and stench of their stupidity.

So go on with your bad selves, Barry and buddies, because, though you care nothing for us or anything beyond yourselves, we will still be watching, whether we like it or not.